| what a feeling. |
[19 Jan 2008|01:32pm] |
let me start by saying this. i am an incredibly lucky woman. and i know that better than anyone else. i've got a great partner, a beautiful little boy, friends who i don't really deserve and at the end of the day, i fall asleep with the comfort in knowing it will all be there tomorrow when i wake up.
i know all that and still there are days i sit down and think to myself. where did it all go? is this really what my life was supposed to be? am i the only one who feels like all these years were supposed to add up to more? or maybe not more, but a different fairytale? wasn't i supposed to do more, love more, see more before i settled in to live the good life?
last night i went out with the girls, and we went to a bar a lot like the bars i frequented in college and i saw people having fun and drinking like there was no tomorrow and laughing and taking pictures and i though, man it must be good to be so young. the truth is, most of those people are older than me. farther along in age with less responsibility. no careers, just jobs. no partners, just flings, no baby food to buy, just booze. and in those moments, i am completely envious. despite what i have waiting for me when i go home. and that in itself makes me a terrible person.
i look at guys i've known for years, some who are my very closest friends and i think - what happened to the days i thought, well... maybe in the end we'll just end up together... and i can just get lost in conversations all night with my best friend. or guys who i said i'd definitely give a shot one day, when the timing was all right. you don't get those shots back. you don't get to take another shot at life when you're this far into the game.
sure you can be in love with the person you wake up to every morning, i know because i am. i really wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with anyone else... i have a man who's never told me no. he's never been demanding or overbearing or untrustworthy .... he's been nothing short of incredible; so i do know that you can be in love with your partner and still have the feelings of inadequacy... the feelings of being trapped and stopped short in life.
this does not make me a terrible mother, i am a fantastic mother.... i suppose i'm just starting to know what my mom meant when she looked at me and said she wanted more out of my life than she got out of hers.... however great it may have been to have me in her life.... there were so many things i was going to do before i had 6 bottles sitting in the sink to clean, a jar of formula to replace and 3 baskets of some one else's laundry to do. i had a life planned for myself. and this wasn't it.
so sure, i'm happy. i am the luckiest girl in the world. but at the end of the day... is all of that really enough? it doesn't matter much anymore, those dreams and plans have long since passed me by, or at least been revised. i am a mother, and a wife to be, and a teacher. i come home to dirty dishes that have to be cleaned and a baby who's crying because he's got an ear ache. i am a wife-to-be who lives with dirty underwear and wet towels on the floor and full, flat coke cans sitting on the carpet in reach of my 6 month old who tips it over. i am living with someone who doesn't know my worht, and if he does he doesn't express it and maybe that's why i've quit noticing his. and when it's all said and done, this is my life. and there are people who sit around wanting to be me, or live my life and that's a great feeling but, i was supposed to be someone else. i was supposed to be somewhere else meeting new people and loving more, and learning less. this isn't who i was supposed to be and yet i am.
and i guess it just feels like sometimes, everyone else because who they wanted to be and emily just got caught up in becoming who she was supposed to be and how fun is that?
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| scattered. |
[30 Oct 2007|06:19pm] |
i found this letter i wrote on january 26th of 2006 and i like it. i think it a little ironic reading it now, but also reassuring.
Dear Chris,
There are so many thoughts all swirling around in my head at once. The top two go something like this: "But what about Jamie?" and "Seriously, i've only been home a few weeks."
And I try to let those two thoughts bring me to some level of normalcy, because this is all crazy and wonderful and crappy and confusing and completely tragic all at once.
I just want to talk to you all day long forever and tell you everything there is to know about me. And I want to hear everything there is to know about you. But then I get absolutely petrified about everything. I just start thinking about everyone I've ever known, and what has been successful, and all the many, many, many failures. And I think of what those failures did to me. And I just feel broken, like maybe I should not even be near you, because I'll never be remotely trustful enough.
I wanna marry you when I grow up.
I want a million things that I can't express, and I want to tell you everything, but the words just get caught up inside.
I wish I could fast forward to the end of this semester or next year or two years from now and have a look at what we become. And then, maybe I could find some comfort in something more than just liking you.
I wish this felt more real, and it scares me.
So, umm...if I were the boss of you (which we both know I am), I'd tell you to stay with me forever, and not give me shit for being such a scaredy cat, and just be nice and understanding and patient.
Because, if I trusted myself, I'd think this thing could go for a while. Forever doesn't seem like such an impossibility.
....and now i sit here and i think, thank god i took that risk. what if i hadn't where and who and how the hell would i be?
it's been almost 2 years since i wrote that letter and i am still just as crazy for him as i was then. and every now and then, i still get butterflies when i think about him.
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| life is what happens while you're busy making other plans. |
[22 Sep 2007|05:22pm] |
|
2 weeks ago my Dad's best friend passed away from terminal brain cancer that he'd been fighting for years. I watched my dad go through that heartache year after year and I tried to remind him of all the good times we had with Jeff, what a inspiration he always was.
Months ago my best friend's mother died. and I cried as if it were my own mother, for the loss of her wonderful spirit, yes.. but more so for that pain in Jamie's heart. I felt it, miles and states away I cried because my best friend was in so much pain. And 2 weeks ago her Uncle died, of brain cancer- we'd talked about it so many times before.
But today I learned that my dad's best friend, a guy I'd known since birth, really...and this Uncle of my best friend are one in the same. Why did it take so long to put two and two together? My dad's Jeff Wood and Jamie's Uncle Jeff Wood... I never could have thought they were the same person... I guess I should have, I wish I would have because I could have connected with Jamie on such a different level when he died.
But still, how is it possible that this could even happen? I am a Christian, and I do have faith that God works in mysterious ways.... but this? Somehow aligning my father's dearest friend's neice and i, and not just in a passing sense, but in a sister, best friend, would never cope without you sense.... it's just almost unsettling and reassuring all at the same time.
I don't know what I'm trying to say here, because I haven't put the emotions and feelings really into perspective. But really what it all comes down to is that the feeling I've always had when I talk to Jamie or when we're together- that nagging feeling like it's a relationship that goes deeper than sorority sisters or best friends... was right.
There are some people in your life that are meant to be there. I've always said that, but never really understood it until just this moment. God places people in your heart and in your path because they are SUPPOSED to be there, so don't take those people for granted. not even for a second.
"jeff wood is free."
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| "how did i survive in this world before you?" |
[09 Jun 2007|08:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
overwhelmed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
relient k- the best thing |
] |
it's becoming so much more real now, and i guess you could say it's about time. please don't get me wrong..it's not that I haven't spent the last 8 months preparing myself for this and understanding what it means, what will happen... but now, with such a short time left... it's really becoming something tangible.
because i can see my son move within me, i can feel him get the hiccups, and wake up and stretch his little arms. and because i can sit in his room for hours and day dream again. i was always meant to be this person, i think. i don't know really what else i've been good at... but this i know for sure, i am.
that's reassuring.
i've never felt a love like this before. and believe me, i've loved pretty hard. but even looking at chris, my soul mate, my best friend i know in my heart that if i had to...if it came down to it, i could stop loving him, if i tried hard and was determined to move on. this love for aidan, it's unstoppable... no matter what, despite any circumstance, i could never stop loving him. i know reading this you won't understand, but that's an intense realization. coming to find that there is a face i don't even know yet, but i could never walk away from it. i could never turn my back on him. if at the end of the day he has nothing, he will always have that.
this kind of love, this kind of connection- it really is the first miracle of my life.
and who would have thought, who could have known...this would be MY life story? certainly not me. and probably not even my best friends. i was never this person until i fell in love with him. i have always fought change, i have always been terrified of it. but now, every bit of my life is changing, every part of me has to change and become someone i've never met for a little boy who doesn't even know how much he deserves it.
i want the world for my children, all of them..how ever many that may end of being. and i will love all of them with this fervor and this unconditional love. but i know for a fact that though there will be a bond between all of us none will ever compare to the bond I already know I share with Aidan. He is my first, no one else will ever have that. And he's changed my life....so drastically if only for the better. He's a perfect miracle, he's got perfect timing, and I need him more than he needs me.
I needed someone to ground me, to put me back in my place and let me know that it was time to get my act together. who would have though that a little stick with the word "pregnant" on it would have done that? he may never know it, but he saved my life. and how in the world can i repay him for what he's already given me?
i'll spend my whole life trying to figure that out, but for now i can just lay back and watch my belly move and feel him stretch out, and kick me at just the right times and spend the next few weeks waiting for him, praying for him and loving him like no one else ever will.
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| her heart and soul, right in your hands. |
[07 Dec 2006|01:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
lucky |
] |
| [ |
music |
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keith urban- stupid boy |
] |
( long gone, long gone. )
that song reminds me of another life. you stupid boy. because now, i am the luckiest girl in the whole world.
i've got a guy that i don't deserve and who loves me more than i thought anyone could..and now we're responsible for a future together... and i'm now lucky enough that when i say forever- it's tangible and i know it does exist, because i can feel this kind of forever, way down deep inside of me.
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| 10.21.03 |
[21 Oct 2006|04:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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nostalgic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
incubus- i miss you |
] |
To see you when I wake up
is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
is a three-fold, utopian dream.
You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said,
I miss you.
I see your picture, I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days, but already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care
and I miss you.
who knew it would take 3 years from the day we first hear it for me to really understand why it was the perfect song for us?
its laughable now, to think that we really meant it when we said forever...
look at how far we both have come, and how far apart we are.
we don't know each other,
or where we are...
but instinctively, i woke up this morning knowing what today was.
and i wonder where you are,
and i know for a fact you are successful, in whatever endeavors you've taken on thus far,
i always knew you'd be the best at whatever you put your mind to.
you really really are still the most determined boy i've ever known.
and i wonder if you're letting yourself be loved,
the way you deserve..the way i would do it again if i had the chance.
being so young, and not knowing what the hell love was,
i know i was wrong, and i know i hurt you,
and i know you hurt me too...
but the truth of it all is, it was nessecary, i think...
because if we didnt hurt each other like that, we couldn't love the way we do now
and we sure as hell couldn't forgive the way we do now
and we never would have known what to look out for, what to avoid.
god, has it really been that long...
thank you, for this smile on my face today.
its good to think back on that halloween, and christmas, and valentines day, and my birthday...
and even as hard as it was to lose you and move on,
right now, i couldn't be happier with who you were in my life.
i look at those pictures and i think
who the hell is that girl?
no, really.
who is she?
even at her best...
she is still my worst.
when it comes to you, anyhow.
i know i wasn't good to you always,
but i was at times.
i can't look at the pictures anymore and let myself believe that was all a lie.
you can see it in our eyes, and i think that it's finally okay to stop telling myself
that it was terrible, and so was i, because it wasn't
some of it, to this day is still the best i've ever known.
and you'll be happy to know that you have always, always been the boy that i compare all the others to.
would they stop their car in the middle of the street to run back for one more kiss?
would they show up at six in the morning with stargazers?
would they sit outside my window until all hours talking?
would they ask me to prom with a ring pop? on a wet parking lot ground? after we ditched reservations we made months in advance
because there was no way in hell i was going to let you pay that much money for something i couldn't pronounce..
would they remember the smallest story i told about a minnie mouse balloon and show up with one?
thank you, for everything, for every day.
you will always mean the world to me,
so i need you to know that i care,
and i miss you.
( remember me this way ♥ )
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| nine months |
[18 Oct 2006|07:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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ANTM |
] |
currently, the only thing moving me from day to day
and through the night
is the grey baseball shirt i sleep with and the bottle of your cologne.
if there was a way to make my whole world feel like that shirt
and smell like that cologne, i would.
its the closet thing i have to sleeping next to you,
fooling myself in my dreams...
feeling your shirt on my skin and smelling you when i first wake up.
it's all i've got right now,
it's the only thing keeping me sane.
i miss you,
tomorrow is nine months, holy cow.
and only a week before i see you again.
this semester has been the hardest time in my life,
but i'm looking forward to january..
to sleeping with you again
and starting a life like we've always planned..
and hey, you're right..
at least we're writing a really great story to tell the kids.
i love you christopher joel ♥
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| i want to save you. |
[08 Sep 2006|12:27am] |
| [ |
mood |
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awake |
] |
| [ |
music |
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something corporate- break myself |
] |
if you couldn't already tell, im at that point again in my life where i'm stuck in lyrics- like they're the only things that seem to say exactly what i'm feeling.
so here are some of todays.
( The Scene Aesthetic - Dear Time Traveler, )
oh yeah, and i cannot wait for The Last Kiss to come out,
im sure i'll be a disaster in that theatre.
( Saving Jane- Happy )
i don't know why i'm still waiting,
who am i to say you love me?
( Hope- Who am I to say? )
and everyone says i'm crazy
( Rachael Yamagata- meet me by the water )
" What you feel only matters to you, it's what you do to the people you love that counts. "
- The last kiss
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| goodnight moon ♥ |
[06 Sep 2006|11:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
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jo dee messina- i wish (wasnt it obvious?) |
] |
It's not easy saying this to you
It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do
But boy before you go
I want you to know
I wish you strength
When times are hard
Oh I wish with all my heart you find what
you're looking for
I wish you joy
I wish you peace
And that every star you see's within your reach
And I wish you still loved me
I wish that things were different you know that
But I'm still happy for the time we had
You mean the world to me
Baby please believe
I wish you strength
When times are hard
Oh I wish with all my heart you find what
you're looking for
I wish you joy
I wish you peace
And that every star you see's within your reach
And I wish you still loved me
Losing you is tearing me apart
But a part of me will be with you no matter where you are
I wish you strength
When times are hard
Oh I wish with all my heart you find what
you're looking for
I wish you joy
I wish you peace
And that every star you see's within your reach
And I wish you still loved me.
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| closure. |
[01 Sep 2006|01:08am] |
| [ |
mood |
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sick/tired. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Rachael Yamagata- The Reason Why |
] |
I think about how it might have been
We'd spend out days travelin'
It's not that I don't understand you
It's not that I don't want to be with you
But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me
So, I will head out alone, hope for the best
And we hang our heads down
As we skip the goodbyes
And you can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'll buy a magazine searching for your face
From coast to coast, or where ever I find my place
I'll track you on the radio, and
I'll find your list in a different name
But as close as I get to you
It's not the same
So, I will head out alone, hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
As say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, you're still there
I'm gone, you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there
So, steal the show, and do your best
To cover the tracks that I have left
I wish you well and hope you find
Whatever you're looking for
The way I might've changed my mind,
But you only showed me the door
So, I will head out alone, hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
And say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I, you and I, you and I know the reason why
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| out of reach. |
[18 Aug 2006|04:59am] |
| [ |
mood |
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tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
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matchbook romance,greatest fall of all time |
] |
it's amazing the emotional clarity you enter after a relationship is over and done with. at that point when you know, for certain, you've reached the end. it's as if everything, every tiny detail of your relationship is magnified, and replayed, over and over again when you close your eyes or get trapt in those moments between blinking.
it's 4:15 in the morning,
about an hour before it would be time to hear my alarm going off, turn over kiss your cheek and stare at you for a minute before we tip-toed downstairs, turned the alarm off and said goodbye for a few hours. and before this moment, before this clarity- i remembered everything, or i thought i did. but now, i remember it all, ever last second of it. the way it wasn't really the alarm i woke up to, but the changes in the rythm of your heart that kept me up. i could always tell what the momentum of your dreams was depending on how quickly i could hear your heart beat. and i remember how i loved your hair, at this time of morning more than any because you as you slept, you finally left it alone, you didn't flatten it every 10 minutes, or fix it when i ran my fingers through it, so every curl- went its own way, didn't match any other, and surprisingly, they all fit together, and made you look so natural...so perfect.
and it wasnt the goodbye kiss that i remembered this morning, but it was your lips, and the way every morning we said goodbye, i knew it was only temporary, only hours until i'd see you again, with either ihop or tin star. i never had to wonder when the next time was. you didn't even have to tell me. it was the way you kissed me, like it was a habbit. there was never doubt, rush, or morning breath. at the door, my world always stopped for a minute to say goodbye, i lost all urges of panic that my mom would wake up and realize you had been in my bed all night long.
it's the way you held my hand. your thumb...its movement let me know when you were concentrating, and when you were only pretending to not be thinking about me. i knew you were in the middle of loving me, when your thumb moved up and down over my hand, while your other fingers were busy being laced with mine. and how every so often, if your thumb went too long without producing your lips a kiss, you wouldn't wait for me any longer, you'd just lean over and kiss the top of my head, to remind me you were there. no one but you has ever kissed the top of my head. i don't think i'd let anyone if they tried.
i remember the exact tempture of your counter around the sink and how it felt on the hands i used to brace myself as i sat there, and waited for you to come around the corner. and i remember the way your lips turned up and that goofy grin appeared, i remember the pitch of your laugh, and the ways your eyes moved - up and down for a moment, but once you looked into mine, you never stopped. i remember where my legs, arms and lips landed every single time we were there.
i remember losing ourselves between my sheets, and falling into one another like we had waited to our whole lives. i remember the time right before i left, when right in the middle you stopped to look me in my eyes, and kiss me and i thought- i finally got it, it was the first time i'd ever really understood how to 'make love' it had finally become something more, something deeper with someone. coincidentally, that really was the first time i made anything tangible with an act like that, and only weeks later, i woke up in pain, and heard i had lost the love you and i created that night...without even knowing it was there all along. that will always tie my heart to yours. forever i will know that you and i, really did share something bigger than i have shared with anyone else. and i lost it, i know. and i blame myself every day for that, no matter how many times i hear it was nothing i had any controll over. i'll always feel like i took something from you, and did nothing but lose it.
i've only been weak enough to need a hero one time. that was the first time i was helpless enough to need saving. the cold, it was biting that night, and it was wet, and darker then most nights i'd ever seen in Texas. and i knew- i was driving to the wrong house, i was going to the wrong boy, my mind was elsewhere, my mind was on you, it was racing, from the minute i left my house, i knew- i had made a mistake, i went the wrong way. and i didn't get far before my mind raced me into the biggest, darkest hole i'd ever find myself in. and only one person came to my rescue, probably the one person who deserved to ignore my calls and not answer my cries for help. you saved me, you rescued me, and from that night on...from that night to this night, you are still my only hero. still the only person i owe my rescue from this whole world to.
when i drove away from you, and out of this state, i was whole. i didn't have a need in the world as long as i had a love like yours. and as i settled in, and as time, and fate gradually took their courses, that dark, deep, wet hole... dug itself all over again. and i found myself alone, at the bottom, with no chance of saving myself. so i sat in the bottom, and i waited for you to come. i kept sitting, and i kept waiting, i kept fooling myself into thinking you would be coming any minute to tell me things were going to be all right, to take me by the hand, and let your thumb do the talking, to kiss me on my head and kill the cold. but you didn't. and i chased it, i came all the way back thinking- maybe if you bring the darkness closer to him, he'll find his way to it. but, it only seemed darker, and colder, and deeper. you only ran further. the states away we were from each other felt closer than these cities now that i'm here.
you know, i drove by that hole today. i tried to pull into that empty building, but its chained off- they're remodeling and opening as another store. and my hole is almost all filled in. it's even got grass growing there, and i found that you can easily pull over into it, and get yourself out with no effort. i wouldn't need a hero if i turned too early tonight.
and the emotional clarity, it tells me, among other things...i was never really stuck in that hole, it wasn't as dark as i remember either. i let myself wait at the bottom, and i convinced myself over and over that my hero was coming back. my knight in shining armor wasn't far down the road, he was coming...which was believable until i saw the hole today. if i turned to early this time, i wouldn't need you any way. which is good, because you're not coming to save me, you weren't coming in the first place.
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| this is a lot to read, pace yourselves kids. |
[11 Aug 2006|12:15am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Spoken, Sleep Well Tonight |
] |
i've been talking to an old friend,
a lot lately... a lot more than we usually talk the past year or so.
and i remember why we fit so perfectly together all those years ago, he's one of those people, those rare commodities in life, that you can pick up with, after 50 years of silence, and feel like nothing about your friendship has skipped a beat. and i love that about him, and i will always love that about him.
i forgot how much i learned from him, really.
when i was young, he really didtech me everything i ever needed to know, mostly through the harder times with him, the times i thought i had really found my first love... he taught me how to care about another human being in a way i had never before, he opened up that part of my heart, and... he showed me how one person could make you feel invincible.
he also taught me how heartbreak felt, and loss, and rejection. not that any of that was ever really his fault because, at that age, if it wasn't him...it would have been someone else. of that, im sure. i just got lucky enough to have it be him, he's always been extraordinary.
but the greatest thing i ever learned from him, really never came from him at all. not too long ago, he told me i should write a book, or be a therapist. which is nothing i hadn't heard before. but i laughed, because, in all reality... i learned these qualities he so admires now, through my hard times with him.
and even more strange than all of this, i never knew i was learning, because i was always helping my friends, advising other people, and seemingly, as abby so wonderfully always puts it, " never taking my own advice"
i still don't, in a sense. some times i say things for other people, and i sit back, and hear them over and over again in my head and i want to scream- because there it is- the answer to all of my problems, right there in the back of my mind, and on the tip of my tounge. it's always taken someone else's hurt to extract my own good will.
so through everything he and i have talked about lately, i understand what i have to do, what my options are.
i remember now, what love is, and infact, what it isn't and... it isnt this. it isnt a sick stomach and racing mind. it isnt trying to figure out every night you don't call what I did wrong this time.
because the truth is, i didn't. and im done letting myself be punished for the mistakes i might have made with you in the past. i know i hurt you, but i can't spend another six months apologizing for it. you know the circumstances, and if you choose not to understand and forgive, there's nothing more i can say. theres nothing more i can do.
just remember, when you find the time to, any time you ever needed me, even way way way back in our day, i found the time to stay up with you all night, and hear the things you were too proud to tell anyone else. never once did i ever judge you, or the things you were going through. i sat on curbs to hear you out, i told you things i knew you wouldnt listen to, or believe, but i knew you needed to hear. i held your hand, and dried your tears, and i never made a hessitation to. so i wasn't perfect, and i know that because you're always the first one to remind me of how often i fucked up for you...but thats how i know you've changed, thats how i know you're not the person who i fell in love with.
because the boy i loved, wouldn't place judgement on a convict. wouldn't say anything malicious about anyone, only threw punches when he felt he was backed into a corner, and did his best to make everything right not even a full day after he'd made a mistake. the boy i loved forgave, and forgot, immediatly. the boy i loved had time for his own well being, the boy i loved used his heart, not his head, had compassion bigger than mother theresa's, and jumped at every chance he got to learn something new about himself.
but this boy, the boy you are now, judges me and the things i do, like its his job. you can only take so many years of bleaching your hair- it was time for a temporary change. back when every girl wanted a belly button ring, i held out... because i wanted a nose ring, so happy fucking birthday to me. and i have a tattoo, because i love my best friend, and if there was every anyone i needed with me during every second of my waking days, its her. so i feel fufilled when i see it, and i remember i've got someone who loves me unconditionally. its more than you'd ever understand because this boy, wouldn't even try. this boy, will take the words of someone he once proclaimed as a "douche bag" and use them against me, look i was there on all those nights, and you werent. i remember them good and well. and i left that night before he and all his deadbeat friends did, i went home with my boyfriend and turned off my phone, i abandoned him. he's got an ego bigger than he can handle, you know that, what the hell did you expect him to say. but you know what, you knew me on a much much deeper level than he ever knew existed in me... so go ahead, take his stories and his words as gospel. sit in that god forsaken place and share some really good stories of me, im sure yours could probably blow his out of the water. and yeah, i'm well taken care of, and if you want, call me fucking spoiled, im okay with that, but do not ever dismiss what i did the past six months, you've got no right. you've never even attempted it. so don't say " and now you're back" like you've got some sort of bragging rights. you've never left. 500 a month in rent, isnt easy, 200 in insurance makes it harder, gas, food, living make it nearly impossible, and then you throw on those hospital bills that im sure you try to make believe dont exist, and we'll talk about how big you think i failed this time, for something you told me months ago, inspired you to do bigger things.
you break my heart every time i think about you these days, probably because i know for a fact, i dont ever cross your mind. but i will. when you read this...i'll cross your mind and you'll be pissed, because you have finally found on of these entries that is about you, and its not the words you wanted to read. and then later, when all your friends go back to school, and you remember what you've got, and what you really want... you'll need those hours cut back at work, and the season will be over, and you'll find yourself in your room, wondering what i'm doing, or how im feeling... and then you'll remember that you picked the wrong time to remember me, because by then i'll be too far gone.
but for your yesterdays sake, and tonights, and tomorrow's and all your long roads, heavy burdens, and broken hearts, remember this- you know for a fact that i never stopped loving you. that i always tried to imagine my life with you in it. and that i never expected you to be the one to hurt me like this.
sleep well tonight,
pedro.
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| drive until you lose the road. |
[30 Jun 2006|06:40pm] |
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mood |
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scared |
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music |
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the fray- how to save a life |
] |
i say it all the time
really
purely because it confounds me every single day how drastically time changes everything
or how fast things in general can change.
i just want to slow down
and lie down
and have someone lie with me
i want to forget all the complications of the days
and i want to stop saying " i wish i had known then..."
this isnt getting any easier, believe me.
everything i thought i knew, absolutely everything, is really slipping away from me.
which is, in and of itself, the most depressing thing in the whole world.
i dont know why things are so hard all the time,
and if not al lthe time, most of the time
i cant ever bank on something good being good for an extended period of time
and really, i only have myself and my choices to blame....
we would make perfectly good strangers
and for all i know, we are.
- i don't talk to you anymore outside of drunken text messages and awkward moments alone.... and i pretend you're still the same person, but in reality, you're not at all, are you?
- you let me down more than anyone els e in my whole life has, why should i pretend i know you
or pretend that everything you said to me wasnt a lie.
- and the things i thought i knew about you, fell through today, i couldn't believe what you said. a month ago, when it was you coming here, everything was depending on me and when i was ready to say go, and now, that you get to stay in familiar territory and i come to you, you're ready to put me on hold. and i cant really be upset because i did the same thing to you, i just feel like everything we've said since may wasnt all true.
im on the verge of running away again, because it just seems so much easier than sticking around and waiting for all this dust to settle. probably because im afraid that when it does, i'll finally see that i really am alone.
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| i'll be there. |
[21 Jun 2006|03:47am] |
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mood |
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down |
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music |
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daphne loves derby- come winter |
] |
so much has changed lately, and really... i've stopped pretending to even seem like i know what i'm doing.
it used to be so important for me to at least look like i had it all together,
like i wasnt going to break down at any given point of the day.
but i found out its different
when you're the one being sacraficed
when yo're the one being lied to.
i might be the most forgiving person i know, half the things people feel neccessary to apologize to me for, i had never given a second thought in the first place. and because i'm so forgiving, i don't usually have a problem with people in my life lying to me or betraying my trust. and i now, i wish i had, almost... so i would have known how to see the signs, or feel the let down coming, or at least not feel like i'm the only person in the world who could possibly understand how i feel.
the hardest part about the whole thing, really....is trying not to regret the time i spent with him, or the relationship we once had... trying not to feel like i gave up things for no reason. its hard not to remember what i left behind when i stand looking at the nothing i've got in front of me.
i've never been a girl to doubt the paths she's chosen in life, i feel like its pointless and can become heartbreaking if you think about your past choices too often. so i don't, but this time, i can't shake it. i keep replaying the whole thing in my head, over and over, like maybe if i see it enough times in my head, i can change something about it. but i can't.
i really thought i might have a future with this boy.
actually, i never once doubted that i did.
until now.
until my heart is broken and my trust is betrayed.
and that day, actually, the day i found out about everything i was sitting with a friend over lunch telling a truely opposite story. how i knew, for a fact, that if he and i were to end, it would be because i did something stupid. because i let him down, or because i got too scared and ran away... its strange how just a few hours can change your whole world.
i want to find someone, who thinks im too good to betray.
and i know, i had that once, and look waht i did to it.
i betrayed it, i let him down.... and i've never once stopped regretting that, but i've also never stopped to let myself believe there was anything i could do about it now.
whats done, is definitely done.
i don't want to be alone
for the first time really, i actually wasnt looking forward to pushing a relationship away.
i was going to attempt to stick it out and see if i really could pull off this whole, "adult relationship" thing....
but if i could, at this point, go back and change it all...
for the first time in my whole life, given the option, i probably would.
which hurts worse then anything i've ever felt in my whole life, to feel like this love, the love i took so many stones for and defended every day
wasn't really worth it in the end.
so yeah, i'd change it all...
i'd go back, to being comfortable in a relationship that might not have had a tremendous amount of stability, but it did have youth and honesty.
and i'd send him back, to fight for something to this day i know he wasn't really ready to lose. as much as he always said he didn't want her anymore, i know for a fact, and out of experience, that you don't walk away from a long term relationship with ease.
i've lost so many people, and it's only yet to come really.
guilt by association
which means, no one really cares how many pieces my heart broke into
and no one really understands that, this happened to me too.
i've wasted more time, dreaming than living.
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| nothing special,just an update |
[12 Apr 2006|03:34pm] |
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mood |
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excited |
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music |
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josh radin- fear you wont fall |
] |
things are incredible. they really are lately. my friends are amazing, my family is so supportive and i have an incredible boyfriend who reminds me every day that every struggle and heartbreak have been completely worth it.
this weekend is going to be incredibly nuts, every week chris and i have to sit down with our planners and do a mid-week planning period, it seems. i feel so old, but its good that i have someone around to keep me organized. Tomorrow we're going to the devil rays game with mia and adam, and i cant wait...the boys are so cute when they get together, it almost makes me vomit..lol. and then Friday is my big's 21st so we're going out to shepards for the day at the beach and then partying out there all night...and sunday chris is coming to my familys for easter day ( and he's not a bit overwhelmed- arent you impressed?!) i'm almost surprised at how well things are working out for us, considering the odds we faced in the begining. we just fit, into each others lives and into each others families...i love every minute of it
but the biggest news of all?!! we're going to dallas in may!!! i cannot wait to see everybody, but...it almost seems like my moms more excited to see chris than she is to see me..lol
all right, time to get some stuff done.. i just wanted to brag for a minute <3
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| [ this much i know is true ] |
[05 Apr 2006|08:07pm] |
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mood |
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loved |
] |
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music |
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god blessed the broken road. |
] |
when you leave
i find myself biting my nails more
and procrastinating
and distracting myself more.
i like it so much better when you're near.
and tonight, when you walk back through my door...
without knocking, without question of whether you are wanted
and tonight, when you crawl into my bed and under my seets i will think,
"god, i could hold you like this for hours"
and tonight, when you kiss me, like you've been waiting to kiss someone like that every minute of every day of your whole life,
i will swear four million times over, you will never be loved like this again.
( but you just smile and take my hand.. )
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| deep breath. |
[29 Mar 2006|05:50am] |
| [ |
mood |
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awake |
] |
| [ |
music |
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the most beautiful kind of snoring. |
] |
i've been searching for words,
that i admitt, should have come sooner. easier. better than they will.
but this is what i've got.
and if you want it, take it...
because it's the only time i'll ever make this exception,
it's the only time i'll ever make an explanation for my actions
for recent events.
you dont know me, really..
which means, by default and because of all of this,
you're not going to believe me when i say
i really am a good person.
i was only brought up to understand one thing,
selflessness.
because in a family like mine,
in the world i was raised in,
it's easy to forget about other people, and to be totally honest, my mom's too good to have let me become that
probably because at one point, she did.
so i meant it when i said i'd let anyone walk all over me,
as long as they said please
but allowing that to be your daily life, for almost 20 years... starts to take a toll
and one morning, you wake up in a bed that isnt yours and you wonder, what the hell am i doing here
and you start understanding who it is you want to be, what it is that matters, and who you want to waste your time with.
and all of a sudden, i did. and i let go, and i made the decision to be selfish, knowing it would hurt a lot of people, and knowing i might lose a lot of what i worked for, and knowing, it might not be worth it in the end.
but every time i saw him, i got this unsettling feeling like, it could be. like, if i didn't try, i'd never know what the feeling in the pit of my stomach was all about.
i didn't really mean to take anything from you, and i know you'll never believe that so it won't matter if i don't apologize for letting the excitement of every moment of every day i spent with him take over.
it sounds so stupid to try and use the over played line, " it just sort of happened" or " you can't controll who your heart falls for "
because, believe me, there was a point in my life where i sat where you right now and read those lines and thought fuck off
because you're right, it doesnt "just happen" and you can controll it.
people make the choice to love, or not to love.
but in this instance, i made the choice to let myself go...for once, and for all.
no matter the consequences, because day in and day out of fighting with my heart only led to exhaustion
and this nagging feeling
and the intense realization that, oh shit, i let it happen. i fell for him
and it wasnt fair, it never will be.
i know i'll always be the bad guy, i'll always carry that burden of the girl i swore i could never become
( the same girl i hated two years ago for doing the exact same thing i've just done )
and i don't have to explain to you
why he was worth the risk... you probably know better than i do
and you might just know better than i'll ever be able to.
contrary to what you might have believed,
or do believe, or what i've made you feel...
i do have a respect for what you had
and a healthy fear
( and god, this is going to sound so harsh, but please, i dont mean it the way its going to sound)
but it's a healthy fear that, i'll let it slip away like you did,
or i'll hurt him the way you did.
and i'll lose him the way you did.
i know you think im crazy
and a terrible person
but i'm not.
i don't think i could hurt him, if i tried my hardest.
so if its any consolation, and im sure its not,
but one day it might be...
he's safe with me, im not just another girl.
and what we feel for each other, isnt just an accident
or temporary.
im sure this doesnt make it easier for you,
or make you want to understand anymore that you have to.
or hate me less than you do, and always will...
but, its all i had.
it's the only explanation i know how to give.
it's the respect you asked for. in the only way i know how to give it.
i love him, and i hope one day, you'll be okay with that.
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| its an out in the open kinda thing.. |
[16 Mar 2006|07:49pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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you're the best kind of bliss <3 |
] |
| [ |
music |
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augustanna- boston |
] |
i smell your skin,
touch your fingertips,
feel your eyelashes
graze my cheekbones,
and my mind instantly
snaps to consciousness.
every nerve ending
is beautifully alert,
and every brain cell
formulates ways in which
i could hold you
like this for hours.
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| hate me today. |
[22 Jan 2006|11:42am] |
| [ |
mood |
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tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
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daphne loves derby- tennis court soundtrack |
] |
i have a disease.
this is the only way i can think of describing it.
i have a virus,
eating me from the inside out.
if i could think of one time i have made a sincere effort to not hurt someone, who only tried to love me,
i could start to cure myself, i think.
i don't know how to be loved, anymore..
i don't think.
i do these things,
like... i lie.
to myself, and to the person, usually the one person, that doesn't deserve it.
and i do things
unforgivable things, most of the time...
and i don't keep them secrets for fun, or out of guilt..
i keep them to myself because, i can hang on to them, so that at the end,
which im sure there always will be,
i can replay them in my head, and remind myself that those are the reasons
i lost, or those are the reasons that kept my so undeserving.
i make so many mistakes.
and i don't know how to find it in myself
to forgive myself anymore.
i hold on to people for convience, its true.
i lose people who i should fight to keep around.
and i don't tell anyone how bad it hurts me.
i think im starting to get homesick,
which is ironic, i know, because i am home...
but i miss my mom
and my dad.
and christopher and taylor and nicky and katie.
and i don't think i made the wrong choice,
i still thing they did.
and i hate them for leaving,
and i hate them for not coming home with me.
i hate myself for going there
and falling in love with eric,
and i hate myself for never being able to fall out of love with him.
i hate myself for running away again.
i ran from evan.
and i ran from eric.
because i don't yet know how to properly lose someone,
that i want so badly to stay around.
i'm a coward.
and i hurt people.
but, i am a good person.
and i do things right.
i just have disease,
that unfortunately, i'm not even willing to fight.
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